After a modestly successful 2009-10 season which saw the Edmonton Oilers challenge for the top of the ultracompetitive Northwest Division with Colorado and Minnesota, only to endure a loss in five to those same Colorado Avalanche, it hardly seemed the Oilers were due for a coaching shakeup. But, shortly before the EHSL Entry Draft, the Oilers announced that head coach Bill Moores was to be replaced with former Oiler captain Daniel Alfredsson, in a supposedly mutual decision made for the benefit of Alfredsson, who was being groomed for the head coaching position since his retirement as a player two seasons ago.

With Alfredsson behind the bench, the Oilers seem to have finally locked into a long-term hold on a position that saw the recently-retired Brad Davis, Claude Julien, and Moores rotate through the position during the tenure of general manager Benjamin Massey. Alfredsson has long been a Massey favourite for his attractive offensive style, but the strength of the Oilers this year is expected to be in defense and goal. For a team that has historically struggled to keep the puck out of its own net, the Oilers are bucking the trend this season.

The lynchpin of the Oilers defense is obviously goaltender Ryan Miller. The 30-year old American stalwart enjoyed a quiet 2009-10, appearing in only 48 games and getting plenty of rest thanks to the emergence of Matt Thomas as a viable EHSL goaltender. But Miller played well and put in a solid playoffs, featuring a .909 save percentage as he did his level best to steal the overmatched Oilers a series. Rumours cropped up during the regular season that Miller was on the block for the right offer, rumours Benjamin Massey called "patently absurd", and Miller will no doubt be expected to carry an increased load once again as the Oilers hope to eke out home ice in the playoffs.

The preseason carried with it a goaltending controversy, although not the usual sort: the battle for the backup spot picked up some heat. Thomas played magically during the beginning of the year but faltered badly as the season came to a close. August Klaeber had an excellent season as, playing for the same team two years in a row for the first time ever, he posted solid numbers behind the AHSL's worst defense. But it was star prospect Lee Dandridge who landed the backup spot despite a spectacularly lacklustre two AHSL seasons.

Thomas (left) took the news of his exile to Hamilton in stride. The 25-year old journeyman was the 137th overall pick in 2003 and is the owner of 45 career EHSL games, more than any other goaltender selected after the fourth round in EHSL history. Thomas is guaranteed nothing in Hamilton, with the imposing presenses of Klaeber and fellow fifth-round pick Blair Wright likely to provide strong competition. But Thomas merely smiled to vopatclone.com reporters and showed off his new mask for the Bulldogs, with artwork by good friend Guenther Rainmayr. "I like Hamilton," said Thomas. "It's a nice city and I have some pals who I'm looking forward to playing with again. I wish Lee all the luck in the world and I'm sure that I'll get a chance to be back someday."

Back in the Steel City, August Klaeber was less diplomatic. "Caesar Augustus", as Bulldogs fans took to calling him after his tremendous late-season play nearly pulled the Bulldogs into the playoffs by sheer force of will, made no bones about his displeasure. "Look at the fucking numbers," said the German, acquired from New Jersey in a miracle trade for legendary bust John Montelongo. "2.62 goals-against average. .882 save percentage. Fourteen games below .500. I was better in all categories. Yeah, Lee had seven shutouts. Go back home, sissy boy. I had nine. And Lee gets the backup job while I don't even get called to the main camp. Where's the fucking logic? I drag this team to the brink of success and I'm the backup for the old backup while a guy with a glove so slow Jan Vopat could beat it gets an EHSL shot." Klaeber, who played six solid EHSL games with Detroit in 2007-08, was frank. "I'm the better goalie. And I better get a chance to prove it someday."

Lost in the shuffle is rookie goaltender Blair Wright, fresh out of the Ontario Hockey League's Peterborough Petes. Wright rejected a lucative contract offer from the Berlin Capitals in favour of playing in North America, but the 129th overall pick in 2008 is facing life as an AHSL third-stringer, barring trade or injury. While getting to play behind a defense headlined by Leo Cody and Ondrej Smaczny might not seem like an exciting prospect to some, Wright is quietly optimistic.

"Matt and August seem like really good guys," Wright said softly after an impressive preseason in which he was arguably the Oilers' best defensive player. "They've been around a lot, they know heaps about the game, I'm happy I'll get to learn from them." When asked about the liklihood of extremely limited ice time in his first AHSL season, Wright merely shook his head. "I mean... look at August, what he did the last two years, he'd hardly played before that. Coach [Pat Quinn] says I'll get some games. That should be nice. I'm looking forward to it."

It was one of the more eventful days of the EHSL in recent memory as the city of Detroit hosted the proceedings of this year's entry draft. Future stars were selected, current stars were dealt, and Edmonton made its usual tedious podium speech, despite its GM currently sauntering in the savannahs of Africa.

The draft began innocently enough, with consensus top pick, defenseman Justin "Mount Justin" Lamontagne (left) of the Guelph Storm being selected by the Buffalo Sabres. The Washington Capitals had acquired the third overall pick earlier on the weekend by dealing away former 2nd overall pick Andreas Kamark, and thus were under little pressure on choosing their preferred player. Still, more than a few eyebrows were raised when they selected enforcer Alain Dufour second overall. Dufour racked up 210 PIM with the Seattle Thunderbirds, and does not seem to own much offensive acumen; the EHSL Network's guest commentator Warren Luhning noting that Dufour's inability to stay out of the box would make him a liability at the pro level. Washington made a much less surprising selection with their next pick, choosing defensive specialist Juri Lepechin third overall. Lepechin has been described as a tough shutdown winger who can chip in offensively, but some scouts have raised doubts about Lepechin's heart and attitude.

A record four goalies were selected in the first round, with Nikita Ivanov (left) going 4th to Dallas, Zdeno Sovich going 5th to Montreal, Jonathan Nolin going 17th to Washington, and Fila Sidelnikov going 20th to Colorado. The selection of Sidelnikov, simply known as "Fila" by European hockey fans, appeared to confirm recent rumours out of Denver about Todd Gardiner's imminent departure from the club. Nolin, who was ranked 112th by the Central Scouting Bureau, was touted as the future successor of Jean-Sebastien Giguere by the Capitals, but panelist Craig Billington said that he does not expect Nolin to bring solid goaltending to Washington: "The kid has a lot of raw skill, but right now there are way too many question marks around him for him to be pencilled in as a future EHSL starter."

Gardiner remained in the Colorado organization at the end of the day, but two blockbuster trades were made by GM Eric Bouwman, who acquired 2008 first overall pick Miloslav Saganek from the Los Angeles Kings along with minor leaguers Nino Kiesl and Ahti Torkkeli for defensive stalwarts Ruslan Dolgopolov and Didier Malenfant, highly touted two-way prospect Charles Théberge, and a first round draft pick, which turned out to be offensive prospect Goran Alfven. The Avs still weren't done, as they then replaced Dolgopolov and Malenfant by sending Slovakian Supremacy Cup starter Marian Gaborik (left) to Philadelphia for Jonas Hasek, Mark Eaton and Jeff Boynton. Luhning was skeptical, however, on Hasek and Eaton's ability to shut down opposition forwards as Dolgopolov and Malenfant had been doing for several years: "I think we saw a downgrade on the blueline, and as good as Saganek is, Gaborik is still a proven star player who has put up the points every year."

Other trades saw former King winger Bernie Biewener (left) first move to Detroit, then to Ottawa, as Luc Rouillard returned to LA, and Henrik Zetterberg to Detroit. Former Norris trophy winner Chris Phillips bolstered the Carolina blueline, with Martin Grenier and Carolina's first rounder (who turned out to be Ulf Johncke) heading to California. Detroit's Jim Brown and Daniil Podgorni along with a pick (Otto Lahr) moved to Colorado for a trio of prospects, rounding out the trades on the day. With Day 2 of the draft still to come, analysts are keenly anticipating more deals to be made, and more excitement to be had.

It was one of the great mysteries in the history of the EHSL. Where in the name of sweet zombie Jesus was EHSL president Rory Cunningham? Was he dead? Had he gone insane and fled into the jungle? Had Doug Newgrave killed him with his bare hands and dumped the body in the Ottawa River? Did Wes Dudar have a really bad acid trip and strand him in Tijuana with only $5 and a hooker named Bruce with which to find his way home? Well now, it is no longer one of the great mysteries in the history of the EHSL.

On an otherwise quiet Boxing Day in Libya, the members of the Society for the Liberation of the Muslim Homeland from the Evil Zionist Invaders Against Peace, Liberty, and the Great Prophet Mohammad Praise Be Unto Him were sitting down for a dinner of scones and cream cheese when the door burst down and a specially recruited team of EHSL mercenary commandos stormed the building. The leader of the operation was one of the official league "finders", Stu Grimson

"Doug [Newgrave] got excellent intelligence that Rory was being held in the area," said Grimson (left) to the press at the conclusion of the operation. "So, y'know, we decided to go in and do some finding. Doug told me to tell the world's best goons to come with, and, well, we broke in. And did our thing."

One of the goons, Edmonton prospect "Special" Ed Dawson, was all smiles. "Doug told me that, as a reward for my loyal service, my name would be put in the AHSL record books for most penalties even if I didn't break the record. Not only that, but they'd give the only copy of the record book to me, and everybody else would get a fake book saying the record was the same as before. I love Doug." When asked about his experience, Dawson was just as enthusiasic. "I got to shoot a guy! He'd surrendered, but I just wanted to watch him die. It was fucking awesome."

The goons, who included Dawson, Donald Brashear, Francis Bowen, Murray Clifford, and, bizarrely, Tuomas Repo, stormed the terrorist compound at around six in the evening local time, illegally obtained automatic rifles blazing. Several captives were found (including the entire family of Albany River Rats forward Mike Danferson), but it was at the back of the compound that they found the man they were looking for.

When recovered by the EHSL hired guns, Rory Cunningham was already a shell of former self. Weeks without fine caviar and even a single exotic prostitute born in some distant port of call had taken their toll on the once-formidable EHSL president, and his facial hair had grown unkempt and dirty. The fashion forced on the prisoners by the Libyans would have made Jean-Paul Baribeau cringe. But Rory Cunningham was alive.

Although no sign of the missing EHSL servers were found, Cunningham, Grimson, and the goons were spirited away on a helicopter to Madrid, where a jet took them quickly to EHSL headquarters in New York City. The two, with Newgrave, met a press conference in which a few quick remarks were given.

Said Newgrave, "a few choice remarks dropped by [Ontario Provincial Police commissioner David] Frost during an interview with Brad Davis led us to consider Libya. I didn't think it was one of Rory's usual money-laundering vacation spots; he hates the sand when it's not accompanied by a woman pouring him a vodka with her cleavage. But further inquiry led to the truth." Newgrave flatly denied rumours that former ICIH president Juan Pablo Mistinivich had led Newgrave to Cunningham after a press conference in which Mistinivich announced he knew Cunningham's location, pointing out that the increasingly senile Mistinivich had also announced his knowledge of the second Kennedy assassin and who was going to win the 3511 World Series (the Chicago Blackhawks).

For his part, the normally confident Cunningham spoke to the press in a soft, timid voice. "It was horrible," he squeaked. "They only got basic cable. Las Vegas and Nashville were playing, but I had to watch Los Angeles and Minnesota. And the only champagne was Canadian. Plus, David Frost kept trying to molest me until I told him I was sixty-six, not sixteen."

"He's a very young sixty-six," Newgrave said, in his boss's defense.

With Cunningham safe and sound, the focus of the league turns to resuming normal operations, while Newgrave and Grimson will focus on finding the kidnappers. But, sounding unconfident, Grimson said, "It'll be a frosty day in hell before we find out who the criminal mastermind here was."

In a press conference earlier today, Ontario Provincial Police chief David Frost confirmed what hockey insiders had long suspected: EHSL president Rory Cunningham's mysterious disappearance was no insane flight from justice.

"Evidence has come to light that strongly indicates Mr. Cunningham was taken from his palatial New York estate by force," Frost said. "In hindsight, perhaps all the broken doors and empty rifle shells littering the ground would have been a hint, but we were all too busy trying to figure out why the flying fuck the OPP had been called into an investigation in New York."

Former EHSL.net draft analyst and the currently unemployed Brad Davis sat down with Frost after the press conference to get the straight dope.

Davis: Thanks for doing this, Mr. Frost.

Frost: I always have time for you, Brad.

Davis: First off, the obvious question. What do you think happened to Rory Cunningham?

Frost: He was clearly abducted from his home by person or persons unknown. We're unable to ascertain why at this time, but the fact that he's an extremely wealthy general ne'er-do-well may provide us with a valuable hint.

Davis: Yeah, but why the raid on EHSL headquarters? Why take all the computers and all the files?

Frost: Look, if you're implying my client intended to kidnap me and instead grabbed Rory Cunningham and all his stuff in an insane effort to cover his tracks, that's bullshit.

Davis: Huh?

Frost: Even if I did represent any Libyan terrorist groups...and I don't...it's insane to expect that I'd be blowing whistles from their terrorist headquarters to signal what buildings they should fly into. And it's even more insane to suggest that I'd duct-tape 15-year old jihadists to the bed and take naked pictures of them!

Davis: I didn't...

Frost: And even if the Libyan terrorists did so tire of my antics that they launched a kidnapping attempt on the not-entirely-unjustified assumption that I'd be partaking in one of Mr. Cunningham's two delightful daughters' company, and even if they did grab Mr. Cunningham by mistake and smash up the EHSL office to make it look like they didn't fuck up so they could look the other guys in the eye at the annual TerrorCon they're holding at Mendoli Arena next summer, and even if I knew exactly where Rory Cunningham is being held and will never tell because that would ruin my hard-earned reputation, what are you going to do, call the police?

Davis: Well...

Frost: Kid, I OWN the police! HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAA! This interview is over!

Davis: Well, then...Mr. Frost...thank you again for your time...

Frost: Do you love me?

Davis: What?

Frost: Do you love me?

Davis: ...yeah.

Frost: Say it.

Davis: I love you!

Frost: Alright, yeah, see ya later, Brad.

EHSL president Rory Cunningham has done a lot of things in his day. Bought a private island with money allegedly stolen from the league. Took "brand-building" trips to exotic Caribbean islands. Privately called prospective EHSL president Karen Longstone-Fellowstring "an overweight, alcoholic, [Grant] Otaanbe-loving baby machine" in an interview with a reporter. But when, last Friday, he vanished from the EHSL headquarters with nothing but a retreating helicopter in his wake, that took the cake.

Cunningham wasn't the only thing that was gone. With him were the EHSL's vast apparatus of computer systems, an array of confidential business papers, and the cell phone numbers of all the EHSL's general managers. For over a week, vice-president Doug Newgrave tried to keep things under control while the league's creditors began to suspect a league on the fall and the media endlessly speculated about one of former president Thorsen Malvanainen's "business" connections taking revenge for the late President on his protegé.

"To the best of our knowledge," Newgrave (left) said calmly to a press conference, "Mr. Cunningham has suffered a complete nervous breakdown and has fled to the Bahamas, taking with him millions of dollars in dirty money and whatever EHSL material he could get his hands on. Our league 'finders', Mr. Stu Grimson and Mr. Robert Ray, are being dispatched to all the popular tropical destinations of the Caribbean, with the objective of bringing Mr. Cunningham back to New York in a certain number of pieces." When asked about the possibility that Cunningham's many demons had caught up to him, Newgrave was flippantly dismissive.

"The only demon involved with Mr. Cunningham these days is myself," Newgrave said darkly.

Yesterday, the EHSL was finally able to restore something resembling operations despite having lost all of their stuff, and the EHSL schedule, which had previously been on hold because of the emergency, is expected to be resumed this week. However, Cunningham's location, and the cause for his disappearance, remain unknown. Faithful league bulldog Newgrave has assumed control of the EHSL in Cunningham's absence, and it is even speculated that Newgrave arranged Cunningham's disapperance to ensure his own rise to power.

Stay tuned to EHSL.net...er, vopatclone.com...for all your The Search for Rory updates.